If I Could Take it Back…

Recently I’ve been thinking back to my teen years.  In my reminiscing, I’m not thinking of school, or friends, late nights, or crazy parties.  As I think back, I’m remembering how awful I was to my mother. She got the brunt of all my foul moods; angry, sad, tired, cranky, stressed, overwhelmed… No matter what crappy mood I was in (and there were plenty of them) and no matter who caused it, I took it all out on her.

I remember saying to her, “Stop acting like such a bitch!”  And I definitely remember the much deserved slap across the face right after. And then thinking to myself, “See, I was right. She IS a bitch!!”  All of this at the oh-so-very-wise-age of 15.

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I wish I could take it all back.  Every nasty word, eye roll, and mean thought.

Karma has certainly come my way: in the form of two very mouthy, know-it-all teens.  All of the shit I gave my mother has come back to bite me in the ass twice over.  Every nasty word, eye roll, and mean thought they send my way is a dagger to my heart and a question of my ability to parent.  Without even trying they can make me feel like I’ve done everything completely wrong and have no idea what the hell I’m doing.

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But most of all, it makes me wish I could take back all the crap I gave my own mother. It makes me regret all of the daggers I sent to her heart and all the times I must have made her question her ability to parent.

I just hope she knows how very much I loved her, and that I know that she always, always put my brother and me first and truly did the best that she could.

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“Someday” Happened

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I LOVE this quote.  I came across it in the depths of dating despair.  It gave me hope that somewhere out there in the big, bad world of online dating was someone meant for me.

I was in the wrong relationship for a long time (married for 17 years), and then proceeded to date plenty of the wrong men.  I got married right out of college to the first guy I seriously dated.  The relationship wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t right either.

After I got divorced, I dated enough to make up for the lack of dating earlier on in life.  Plenty of wrong choices there.  And then, about the time I really started to believe that there were absolutely NO normal men out there in the dating world, I met S.

A year-and-a-half later this quote makes absolute sense.  While no relationship is perfect,  I know what it is to be in a really good, solid, happy relationship.  And I know now why it never worked out with anyone else.

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The End is Near…

Now that the holidays are over, all the talk is about the upcoming new year.  According to the comments running rampant all over social media, most people are eagerly awaiting the end of 2016.  But I have to say that overall 2016 wasn’t too bad.  There were a few bumps in the road, but that’s just life: full of ups and downs.

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I have so much to be thankful for and feel that in 2016 I started a foundation to help make 2017 my year to shine.

I feel that I have had many successes in 2016 and learned valuable lessons from my my my mistakes and failures. I have grown in so many ways, and I realize that every day and every experience has made me into the person I have become and is a building block to my future.  And I am so proud each and every day of the woman I have become and am still becoming.

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In 2016, I was happy to have my relationship with S grow and flourish. I am thankful to be in a happy, healthy relationship that is a true partnership.  He always tells me that he is in my life to teach me patience and how to live in the now.  These are definitely two areas that I needed to work on, and feel that I am slowly but surely improving in these areas.

In 2016 I have really worked on improving my finances. I am not where I want to be yet, but I am slowly paying off my debt and I’ve learned a lot about building up my finances and saving up a little nest egg.  2016 was not my year to shine in the area of finances, I had too many bumps in this road in the form of unexpected expenses.  However, I sought out assistance and worked on educating myself more in this area, so I can be where I want to.  2016 was the stepping stone to financial freedom in 2017!!

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Parenting…Ugh!  Always a bumpy road and a continuous learning opportunity!  I honestly don’t believe that there’s such a thing as a perfect parent, but there are days where I think to myself, “Man I HAVE to do better than today!!”  Unfortunately, this past year had more than it’s fair share of those days!  So, again, maybe this wasn’t my year for “Mom of the Year,” but holy smokes did I learn a LOT about parenting this year!! And there’s always 2017 for my nomination to come in!!

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Ok, so 2016 was not perfect, but I grew, I learned, I laughed, I loved, I made memories, and I built a foundation for a bigger, better year in 2017.

Happy New Year to all!!

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Sweet 16 in NYC

The month of December is always a busy one for me.  It goes without saying that the holidays take up a lot of time, but add to that my daughter’s birthday, and it’s just a crazy time of year.  This year was a big one…SWEET 16 on the 16th!!

I decided to give my daughter the experience of a lifetime for her sweet 16… a trip to the Big Apple.  We would go on her birthday, see the Rockettes (which is huge because she has been dancing since she was 3-years-old), stay the night, and have a day of shopping on Saturday.


I honestly can’t say who enjoyed it more.  I was thrilled when she didn’t want to invite her friend and just wanted to spend the weekend with me!!

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It was one of the coldest days of the year so far (-15 degrees) but we walked around the city like we owned it.  Once we figured out the uncomplicated numbered grid system, it was easy to navigate.  We hit all the hot spots.  We were very lucky to have a hotel right around the corner from Grand Central, we went to Rockafeller Center and saw the tree, saw the amazing sight of Times Square lit up at night, got a half a pound of cheesecake at Junior’s, and saw the fantastic Christmas Spectacular at Radio City Music Hall starring the Rockettes!!  The night was magical to say the least.


While we slept, Mother Nature paid a visit in the form of snow.  This quickly turned to rain, so we were sloshing through slush and puddles as we shopped our way through NYC.  We also ate our way through NYC making sure to get a taste of their famous pretzels and pizza, as well as stopping by one of the numerous Starbucks for a coffee, and grabbing some sweet treats at Baked by Melissa.


It was a memorable gift for both Emma and me.  I will always remember the beautiful weekend I got to spend with my beautiful daughter in the city that never sleeps!

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Don’t Get Sucked In!!

Negativity breeds negativity…

This is a truth I’m becoming more and more aware of.  It’s a murky swamp sucking at your soul, and the more you’re surrounded by it, the more likely you are to be sucked into it.  Most adults have crazy, hectic lives full of responsibility, to do lists, and “I don’t want to’s.”  But if all you do is complain and focus on all of the negatives, that’s ALL that you’ll ever have.

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I didn’t believe how powerful a “negative vibe” could be until I sat in a room and felt the awful negative energy for myself!  The longer I sat in a room full of unhappy, stressed out people, the more angry and unhappy I became!!  No matter how hard I tried to stay positive and ignore the negative, it sucked me into the nasty murky swamp anyway!

I’ve even seen people who are normally very positive and upbeat get sucked down into the downward spiral of negativity.  It is my goal to avoid this at all costs.  My job and life are demanding enough without getting bogged down in negativity.  I will simply stay away from it as often as possible, or exit myself from the conversation/atmosphere, and if I do happen to get drawn into the swamp, I will try and deflect it with a positive comment or silly story.

Bottom line… negativity breeds negativity, and I hope to help stop the madness!

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Balance

Life is all about balance, and right now I am juggling WAY too many balls!!  And the biggest ball of all is WORK!! I have my full time job of teaching, a part-time job waitressing, and  one day a week at a winery.  I am totally and absolutely overworked!!

I was really overwhelmed the other day… I work seven days a week either at school, the restaurant, or the winery.  When I’m not AT work, I’m still working; correcting papers, doing lesson plans, checking IEPs, reading teacher blogs to get new ideas, bottom line…working!!  When I’m not doing work, work, I’m being a full-time mom; driving to dance classes and baseball games, open houses, dentist appointments, and outings with

friends.

What I haven’t had enough of lately is BALANCE.  I haven’t had time to hang out with my bestie, or to enjoy a girl’s night out or in, or to host a game night, or to have a simple date night.

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Something has to give…soon.  I know that I am working too much, and as my mother always said, “I’m burning the candle at both ends.”  I’m tired all the time, and am tired of being tired when I want to spend time with my kids, my friends, or my boyfriend.

I’ll give it a few more weeks, but then I’ll have to give up one of the part-time jobs.  I enjoy the jobs, and really enjoy the money, but I need more time and a LOT more balance!!

 

 

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Perfect Ending…

I enjoyed my summer off as I usually do. I mean, what’s not to love about having the summer off?  OK… I could use more money during that time off, but nothing is perfect.  So, it was only fitting to end a great summer with a BANG.  And I did just that!

We went back to Vermont for Labor Day weekend.  There were 12 of us including S (my boyfriend), my brother, and me.  It was relaxing and so much fun, and ended up being a trip back to our childhood days.  One of the best parts of the weekend was when my brother and one of our friends found the two old BB guns in the tool shed, and then ran upstairs laughing like a couple of little boys to get the bb’s.  Once they got the guns in working order, we had a blast setting up a variety of targets made with paper plates and a black sharpie, and cans on logs or hanging from a rope to shoot at.   In addition to shooting the BB guns, we also practiced our marksmen skills by throwing knives at old logs and a broken wooden table.


It was amazing the hours of fun and entertainment 12 adults got out of a couple of BB guns and a set of throwing knives.  We remembered stories from our childhoods of shooting BB guns in the woods or in our backyards, and it was amazing how many of us had accidentally (or accidentally on purpose) shot a sibling or a friend when we were kids.  We also recalled the days of playing chicken with throwing knives.  and we were all somewhat surprised by the realization that kids don’t ask for BB guns anymore because they’re all to busy with their video games.

As I sat around eating, drinking, laughing, playing cards, sharing stories, and having genuine conversations, with this group of friends, I was once again amazed at how blessed I am to have such beautiful people in my life.

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Back to School…

It’s that time of year… back to school! And for teachers (like me), back to a BIG dose of reality!  No more sleeping in, no more lazy days at the pool or the beach, no more leisurely lunches, and no more “free” nights.

For teachers (especially teacher moms) it means rushed mornings, busy days of putting out many small fires, a gulped down lunch, and a bag full of work to bring home.

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Despite the busy, nonstop day and the crazy workload, I can honestly say that I LOVE my job.  I love having the routine and the schedule, and find that the busier I am, the more focused and productive I am.  The saying “laziness breeds laziness” definitely applies to me.  Add to that my aversion to boredom, and I have found the perfect profession for me.

I love going shopping for school supplies: new pencils, pens, markers, sharpies in a rainbow of colors, unmarked folders and notebooks, and cute boarders, name tags, and other decorations, make me a happy teacher!!  And it is just so satisfying to go into an empty classroom and make it an inviting, cozy second home for 20 nine and ten year-olds!

The first day of school is almost magical for teachers.  We are so full of ideas, and hope, energy, and enthusiasm.  We can’t wait to greet our new class and see how the different personalities start out; knowing that in 182ish days, this class will become like a second family to each of these students.  There is so much that goes into teaching.  More than most will ever know.  A teacher puts in thought, effort, kindness, caring, knowledge, enthusiasm, honesty, fairness, trust, friendship, laughter, patience, time, time, and more time, and most of all, a teacher puts in LOVE.

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The Small Stuff…

“Don’t sweat the small stuff.”  A quote we’ve ALL heard.  One I really need to start following.

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Most of my day is spent putting out fires big and small. Whether it’s as a teacher or as a mom.  I don’t get upset about most things and am pretty good about rolling with the punches.  But in my personal relationships, I overhink the littlest things and totally sweat the small stuff.

I’ve been with my boyfriend, S, for over a year, and we very rarely argue.  However, as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, our one bone of contention is when he falls asleep on the couch and I can’t wake him up to get him to go up to bed.  I know how difficult it is to wake him up, so I get frustrated and worked up when he falls asleep. Since he is so in tuned with my feelings, he senses my mood right away and ends up getting annoyed too.

I know how completely silly this is, but having him here only 3 or 4 nights a week, I just really don’t want him down on the couch while I sleep in my bed…alone.

He suggests that I make a joke or try to wake him up in a more lighthearted manner.  I’m willing to try.  Especially since I HATE fighting with him!  Especially over something so dumb!

So, I will really try to remember not to sweat the small stuff!!

 

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Farewell Fat Pig…

This is a weekly or bi-weekly installment I will begin to include on this blog.  Keep your eye out for future posts!

After a very indulgent summer, lots of fast, junky food and even more wine, I’m feeling FAT!! I need to stop this crazy train in its tracks and focus on healthy.

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Six days on vacation didn’t help…hot dogs, hamburgers, chips, cheese and crackers, s’mores, and WINE, lots of wine.

I know exactly what I need to do.  It’s time to detox.  Not a real juice cleanse or anything drastic, but just good old fashioned eating right, drinking LOTS of water, and getting my ass moving.  Getting back to school will help.  I always do better when I have a schedule to follow.  It seems like the crazier/busier I am, the more focused I am.

Time to dig deep and find my motivation and willpower.  I’d really like to try and fulfill my dream of becoming a runner.  I have Couch to 5k downloaded on my phone, and plan to load up the fridge with lots of healthy foods.

This installment will chronicle my journey from fat pig to healthy honey! You all will help keep me accountable!  Wish me luck!!

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Posted in dieting, fitness, girl power, goals | 1 Comment