Recently I’ve been thinking back to my teen years. In my reminiscing, I’m not thinking of school, or friends, late nights, or crazy parties. As I think back, I’m remembering how awful I was to my mother. She got the brunt of all my foul moods; angry, sad, tired, cranky, stressed, overwhelmed… No matter what crappy mood I was in (and there were plenty of them) and no matter who caused it, I took it all out on her.
I remember saying to her, “Stop acting like such a bitch!” And I definitely remember the much deserved slap across the face right after. And then thinking to myself, “See, I was right. She IS a bitch!!” All of this at the oh-so-very-wise-age of 15.
I wish I could take it all back. Every nasty word, eye roll, and mean thought.
Karma has certainly come my way: in the form of two very mouthy, know-it-all teens. All of the shit I gave my mother has come back to bite me in the ass twice over. Every nasty word, eye roll, and mean thought they send my way is a dagger to my heart and a question of my ability to parent. Without even trying they can make me feel like I’ve done everything completely wrong and have no idea what the hell I’m doing.
But most of all, it makes me wish I could take back all the crap I gave my own mother. It makes me regret all of the daggers I sent to her heart and all the times I must have made her question her ability to parent.
I just hope she knows how very much I loved her, and that I know that she always, always put my brother and me first and truly did the best that she could.